The Victim Triangle

To attach to my YT video on this topic:

Here is the list. The manipulative category incorporates a passive aggressive approach so the two should be read as one. As mentioned in the video it's infinitely more helpful to look at this in relation to yourself and adjust your behaviour in order to communicate better and therefore empower yourself and others than it is to use as a stick to wield over others. The basic categories are based on TA (transactional analysis)

Aggressive responses: The message is I'm ok, you're not

-Make other peoples decisions for them.
-Make your own decisions without taking into consideration the views and priorities of the people who will be affected by those decisions
-Give orders when a request would be more appropriate in order not to give the other person a chance to reply.
- Insist that your opinion is right and put other peole down for holding a different viewpoint.
-Interrupt a lot when the other person is talking.
-Be pushy, bulldozing someone to do something against their wishes.
- Make threats.
- Attack or criticise the other persons personality or use put downs.
- Be overly critical not acknowledging peoples good points too.
- Refuse to acknowledge your own mistakes and faults.
- Pick at the other persons vulnerablities.
- Be competitive, trying to prove your superiority over the other person.
- Use verbal or physical abuse.
- Angrily overreact.
-Argue or create conflict for the sake of it.

Passive responses. The message is I'm not ok, you are.
- Allow other people to make your decisions.
- Make decisions without taking yourself, your own needs, wants, priorities, opinions and values into account.
- Hold back from saying what you want, or make a request with an inappropriately low strength of feeling so the other person does not realise how important it is to you.
- Give up at the first hurdle even if something is important to you.
- Say yes when you would rather say no.
- Allow yourself to be persuaded or bulldozed into something against your will.
- Allow yourself to be interrupted a lot.
- Do most of the listening in a conversation.
- Allow other people to attack you and put you down as a person.
- Complain behind the scenes about not getting what you want or about being the victim of unfairness or injustice without going to the person directly involved.
- Put yourself down or refuse compliments.
- Wait for something good to happen to you without making any attempt to set it in motion yourself.
- Wait for someone else to guess what you want and give it to you.
- Avoid confrontation at all costs, smoothing things over when they really need to be aired or dealt with.
- Under react by not showing justifiable anger or not showing your true strength of feelings.
- Fail to set limits and the the other person walk all over you, perhaps bringing out the bully in even the nicest person.


Manipulative/passive aggressive responses: The message is, I'm ok, I'll let you think you are but you're not.
- Make other peoples decisions for them in such a way that initially they think they have decided for themselves.
- Make your own decisions while appearing to take into account the views and priorities of the other people involved, but in fact only paying lip service to the idea of consultation.
- Use insincere ego boosting to get what you want.
- Try to convince others that they really want or think exactly what you would prefer.
- Try to make others feel guilty.
- Opt out of something by forgetting it or citing excuses without a clear refusal.
- Make veiled threats, hinting at unpleasant consequences.
- Give the impression that you are speaking on behalf of other people when you are really just expressing your own personal point of view or preference.
- Drop hints and expect others to know exactly what you mean and then get resentful when they misunderstand.
- Try to sidetrack someone away from something you want to avoid dealing with.
- Say one thing to a persons face but say or do the opposite behind their back.
- Praise or explain something to someone in a patronising way.
- Be sarcastic or make put downs in a jokey way (smiling demolition).
- Put the blame for your own mistakes or faults onto other people.
- Talk your way out of a situation where you are being justly criticised.
- Use flirtation to get your own way.
- Interrupt when others are having their say, perhaps pretending you know exactly what they mean or what they are going to say.
- Put words into other peoples mouths.
- Be over friendly or ultra charming to get what you want.
- Put someone down by categorising them behind their back, or sabotaging their efforts by persuading other people to lose motivation or opt out of their scheme.

Assertive responses: the message is I'm ok, you're ok.
- State what you want clearly, gently and firmly.
- Acknowledge your own right (and that of others) to state what you want.
- Stand up for yourself and those dependant on you.
- Make your own decisions and allow others to make theirs.
- Listen to others point of view without necessarily going along with it.
- Show respect for yourself and others.
- Give praise and constructive criticism.
- Take responsibility for your own feelings and decisions.
- Help others to be assertive.
- Treat adults like adults.
- Acknowledge there is no need to win.
- Accept others for themselves.